You're not allowed in

I have so many things to say, but I'm ashamed of how the words sound in my mouth. Of how bitter they taste, and of how sad they make me feel once spoken.
I'm ashamed of my own humiliation. I'm too embarrassed to say the words that are in my heart.
I wonder why I do the things I do, why do I put myself in situations that are potentially draining and destructive. Why do I hurt myself so badly? Why do I insist in seeing a person who has tried through all manners to avoid me?
I'm starting to believe that I'm not normal. There must be something wrong with my mind. I wish someone could stop me from going there... I wish someone cared. :(

   Is it true that you miss me now?     
                                                   
                                                        "Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Lacrimejando

Hoje meu coração pesa mais que a Terra.
E eu sou menor que um ponto no mundo.
Conviver com as lagrimas exige um esforço terrível.
Elas consomem a mente, os hábitos, as vontades...
Essa gotinhas de água escorrendo pelo rosto,
desprovidas de qualquer clemência, destroem o que há por dentro,
como ácido, implacavelmente.
E por fora, um rosto demacrado...
Dirse-ia que um ciclone transtornou a minha vida,
não houvesse a certeza de que ando chorando ultimamente.

mercy

Ripping my heart out of my chest would be merciful.
Leaving it there to poison all the rest of me is malignant.

Echo.

I want my scream to echo in your soul.
So I'll yell words of love...
and words of pain.
Whatever you get to feel,
it'll be just right.

What I miss

I am coming to the conclusion that there's no happiness for me stocked anywhere.
It hurts like hell not having him "around" anymore, It's hurting again, and I never thought it could even hurt more than before...!
It's insane... :( How can someone love an imperfect other so much? How can I miss him like this?
I miss his smile, I miss his voice, I miss his sometimes dumb sense of humor, I miss his food, and the garlic kisses...I miss his courage, and his softness, his peculiarities and his common sense. I miss the man in him, and the little kid, I miss his jokes and his serious moments. I miss the way he walks, and how he opens his shoulders to look bigger. I think it's cute. I miss the pizzas, and the hammocking. I miss hearing him talking about God. I miss sharing my God with him. I miss the study time, the videos time, the smart time. And the dumb times as well. I miss his color changing eyes, and his ugly ugly ugly hands. I miss his wood works. And the spoons he made me. And his dreams that I came to dream about too. I miss his smell, and his weird opinions, I miss his green jacket, and the sabbath incenses. I miss myself when I was with him. I miss us. I miss thinking that we'd see each other very soon. I miss US.
I wish he wasn't so afraid. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish I could wake up from this terrible nightmare and see him standing by my side with a "good morning spoon". :(
I don't wanna miss him anymore.

The life that never was

Now that the painful words were said, and any future is ruined, how do I manage this pain that's growing to eat me alive... ?
I'm not used to giving up, but I can't cross this line...Can't force him... It wouldn't be love. No bird can fly freely in a cage. I keep telling myself these words to forgive myself of stopping to try.
And now I don't know how to be brave, I don't know how to move one. I don't want to leave him behind, although I know it was him who let go of my hand.
Or maybe, I'm the one staying behind.
Tears keep scarring my face...They remind me of a life that never was... :(
And I run to my dreams to live what was taken from me, without having never been given to me at all.
Every day makes it hurt more.
I'm so afraid.